Will you vote rump?

With the elections just a few weeks away, it’s time to consider what is truly important to you.

We live in a great country—a fantastic country. One that believes in freedom and equality for all, with the inalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of a happy poop without pain or worry.
But we have become a nation divided. People are deeply irritated. There is bloodshed in the commode, and many are itching to do something about it.

Today I announce my plan to rectify this situation once and for all. For too long the citizens of this great nation have been wrongfully misinformed that the only way to free themselves of their oppressive hemorrhoids was with painful surgery. Well, my friends, I’m here to tell you there is a better way.

When you vote rump, you are voting for quick and easy hemorrhoid relief. The nonsurgical procedures I perform help you get your life back, and take just a few seconds to do. There is virtually no pain, no prep, there are no major restrictions, and there is no downtime from work.

Don’t let your ego prevent you from following sound medical advice. Join me, as I promise to Build Backsides Better! Stop biden your time by ignoring this important problem. Together, we can make your derriere great again!

Of course, if you like your hemorrhoids, you can keep your hemorrhoids.

Consultations are free of charge, and our procedures are covered by insurance. If you’ve met your deductible for the year, now is the perfect time to call.

I’m Dr. Gutman and I approve this message.

Download the original Mimi Magazine article here.