New cases of monkeybutt

While the spread of monkeypox is unlikely to pose any great risk to the nation’s health, some of you may already be sitting on a serious case of monkeybutt.

Traditionally, monkeybutt happens when the skin in your rear becomes irritated from sweating or chafing, especially during the warmer, more active months. A lot of my patients tell me they have monkeybutt because the redness and puffiness from their hemorrhoids are so out of control, it drives them bananas.

Sometimes hemorrhoids can get prolapsed, meaning they slide out of your rectum to enjoy the great outdoors, swollen and hanging there like little red pests. The inflamed tissue produces mucus, which further irritates the surrounding skin of your butt. Plus, with the hemorrhoids in the way, your sphincter muscle can’t close properly, so fecal matter also leaks out. It burns, it itches, you can’t get clean, and your clothing can become a casualty.

Fortunately, monkeybutt can be stopped in its tracks—no quarantine required.

I have two treatments designed to safely eliminate hemorrhoids. One reduces the blood flow that feeds the hemorrhoids, improving inflammation and causing them to shrink. The other is better suited to removing larger hemorrhoids. Both take just a few seconds to do. Since they are performed in an area with no nerve endings, they can be administered right in the comfort of my office without anesthesia.

There is virtually no pain, no prep needed, there are no major restrictions, and you don’t have to take time off of work. Consultations are free of charge, and our procedures are covered by insurance.

Download the original Mimi Magazine article here.