Cheers from the butt-tender

Sometimes you want to “go,” but you don’t want to be in pain. Well…

Come on in! How has your day been? What can I get ya? Hmm… sounds like you’ve had a rough week. Oh, you say your hemorrhoids have been ale-ing you for years? Well, you’re in the right place. I tend butt around here and I can help you find relief quickly and easily. Just let me fix mai tai, and we’ll get started.

This will indeed be a happy hour for you. Decades of pain, itching, and Bloody Marys in the commode that leave you shaken (not stirred) will finally be a thing of the past. No more ineffective tonics to buy, and no more taking tushie baths that are either too cold (needs mojito) or too hot (like a boilermaker).

What’s that? You’re afraid? Embeerassed? Nonsense! This is my craft, and I’ve got simple, effective and painless treatments on tap just for you. Just hop onto this exam table. It’s as comfortable as a madras, and we’ll be done in a triple sec. I hope you’re not tequil-ish!

So, who can I help next? How about you, dear reader? Do you have a tender butt that requires the services of an experienced butt-tender?

I offer two, non-surgical methods to treat hemorrhoids. One reduces the blood flow that feeds the hemorrhoids, improving inflammation and causing them to shrink. The other is better suited to removing larger hemorrhoids. Both take just a few seconds to do. Since they are performed in an area with no nerve endings, they can be administered right in the comfort of my office without anesthesia.

There is virtually no pain, no prep needed, there are no major restrictions, and you don’t have to take time off of work. Consultations are free of charge and our procedures are covered by insurance. Bottoms up!

Download the original Mimi Magazine article here.